sexta-feira, 30 de julho de 2010

I feel empty

Every day I think about what to write in my blog and everyday I feel I have nothing to say. This feeling is killing me inside. I feel empty!
Like an empty shell in this ocean that now seems so huge... and it's so huge. In fact, the hugeness of this beautiful and mysterious sea that is life itself will one day be where I'll sail my adventure.
But for now I just feel empty and lost.
What still keeps me sane is something similar to the feeling of hope. But it's not cause I've been pessimistic amost my entirely life. So, what it is?
I suffer from insomnia. It's horrible. It makes you think about your life and what you are doing with it. Sometimes when I finally sleep I find myself fighting to be asleep forever.
I can't feel happy while I'm working. In fact, I think that I'm a worst person when I'm working... a killing machine, a tractor, a weird fast and furious machinery.
Therefore I feel a certain kind of dark pleasure. I like puzzles and stuffs like that. I think I like to prove myself that I can do better or purely that I can and full stop.
Every day I think a different reason to escape. And every day I think about a new solution.
But they just survive a few hours, sometimes a few days.
And days goes by and I'm still here... in the same spot, the same hole in my stomach, the same frustration, the same fear of never knowing anything about my life...